


if i could just break (one more night)

by far2late



Category: Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Angst, Best Friends, Character Death, Childhood Friends, Crying, Dead Toby Smith | Tubbo, Depression, Emotional Hurt, Heavy Angst, Hurt, Hurt No Comfort, Loss, Mentioned Dave | Technoblade, Mentioned Wilbur Soot, Other, Sad, Sad Ending, Sad TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), Suicide, Suicide Attempt, TommyInnit Misses Toby Smith | Tubbo, Tommyinnit needs a hug, Trauma, feeling lost, its all about me, no beta i never beta ever, past death, so venty, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-30
Updated: 2020-11-30
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:22:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,243
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27796882
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/far2late/pseuds/far2late
Summary: “when tommy looked up into the sky, all he could see was the blue-stained sky and leaves that opened up to show him a view of the clouds. his headphones were still snug over his ears, and he hesitated before playing an album quite familiar to him, written by wilbur.as the familiar string of guitar chords and melody filled his ears, his eyes blurred with tears and his face twisted into something ugly that he was glad was only being broadcasted to the stars.”ortommy, loneliness, and coping.
Relationships: Dave | Technoblade & TommyInnit, Dave | Technoblade & Wilbur Soot & TommyInnit & Phil Watson, Toby Smith | Tubbo & TommyInnit, TommyInnit & Phil Watson (Video Blogging RPF), Wilbur Soot & TommyInnit
Comments: 14
Kudos: 292





	if i could just break (one more night)

**Author's Note:**

> i recommend listening to saline solution during this to feel how i did when i wrote it (only if u wanna hurt extra bad)

the cold air bit at tommy’s cheeks and nose more than it should have in the weather that came with autumn, sun clouded out by grey skies and erasing the light from the sky completely. everything seemed to be toned down in comparison to the saturation of the world that came with summer and friends and loved ones. 

the gentle sounds of birds chirping and the lull of conversation within a neighbourhood of locals floated through his headphones and managed to make its way into his subconscious, solidifying the presence of people around him. it was odd to remember sometimes that people existed outside his bubble of the world, that they had complex thoughts like he did and worked through problems the same way. it was something he could never physically wrap his head around. 

his footsteps were quiet in comparison to the universe and felt insignificant in the grand scheme of things. tommy felt akin to an ant in some senses, with how he was nothing under someone’s foot and a speck in a world of nothing. there was little he could do for the way his insignificance flooded his soul and filled him up to his eyes and spilled from his throat like black sludge. 

his hands tugged at his hoodie strings, twisting them between his fingers as he made his way down the sidewalk, the sun setting in the background. the sky was nearly purple, bleeding into darkened blue as light posts slowly lit up yellow in the streets. as he passed over the last crosswalk, a small smile spread on his face, disingenuous as it felt. 

the walks tommy had begun to take, due to a suggestion from a counsellor he has spoken to, were something that he was looking more forward to than not on most good days. the majority of his time would be spent editing and working on homework, so on occasion, it was nice to take an hour out of his day to let himself relax and listen to music as he made his way around the neighbourhood. 

the counsellor was helpful in that sense, at least. he didn’t say much about how to deal with his problems, save for recommending him to another counsellor, but tommy didn’t complain too much. crying in front of the man the first time was embarrassing enough, and proved to be a blow to his ego rather than helpful. 

the large spruce tree that had been set right next to his elementary school was a comforting presence that took him back to nostalgia-filled days of warmth and love that had seemed so far away after everything that had happened. tommy made his way over, stopping at the base of the tree to adjust his over-ear headphones and climb up the tree carefully. 

he propped himself up on the large branch closest to the bottom, pulling himself up with two thin branches above it. afterwards, he followed by weaving through the thinner branches and making his way up until he had finally reached midway up the tree, quite a way up the tree and resting comfortably on a branch near the trunk, pushing himself to lie on the branch with his legs in a comfortable crevice where the trunk and branch connected. 

when tommy looked up into the sky, all he could see was the blue-stained sky and leaves that opened up to show him a view of the clouds. his headphones were still snug over his ears, and he hesitated before playing an album quite familiar to him, written by wilbur. 

as the familiar string of guitar chords and melody filled his ears, his eyes blurred with tears and his face twisted into something ugly that he was glad was only being broadcasted to the stars. 

wilbur’s voice filtered into his thoughts as his cries grew louder, punctuated by the odd car horn that would honk far off in the distance. the song itself was his most popular one on the album, saline solution, and simply the short bridge between verses and chorus was enough to leave him muffling back tears once more. 

there was a distinct hole in his heart, moulding and rotten with bitterness and loneliness that seemed impossible to fill. it had been weeks since he had spoken to his friends, as well as anyone outside of his family. it didn’t take a genius to realize his friends had made separate chats without him, simply for the sake of excluding him from the rest. 

messages laid unsent in empty convos that seemed too far gone to take back. a tear welled in his eyes once more as he rubbed at them harshly with the heel of his palm, cold wind sneaking across his skin and leaving him shaking in the cold with a vengeance. 

initially, when he had introduced wilbur to techno, he knew that there was a chance they would grow to be close friends in their group of four. their personalities melded well together and the only thing getting in the way was the fact that they hadn’t met at the time. wilbur was someone he had looked up to for a very long time, and techno and philza were a pair of friends he couldn’t imagine separated. 

tommy hadn’t expected that he would be forgotten from their group altogether, left to rot in the shadows as they all grew close without him. as they spoke more and more in chats together, tommy could notice little mannerisms he never wanted to comment on but couldn’t ignore. 

for one, he had constantly seen documented footage of their time together floating on social media, despite no mention of a meet-up filtering through their group chat and no invitation extended to him. he was barely twenty minutes away from wilbur and techno, so tommy didn’t think that was the reason. 

of course, he was willing to simply forget about it in favour of keeping his friends. it had been years since he had found a group of friends that had wanted to keep him around. even in middle school, tommy had only one friend group that had fallen apart rapidly by the last year, for good reason. 

the main factor for the small group’s disbanding was tubbo passing away midway through the school year, punctuating the beginning of march with a blow so hard tommy almost thought he would never recover. 

it was so incredibly unexpected, was the thing about the accident that had managed to rattle tommy the most. he had been speaking to tubbo, not an hour before the accident had occurred, able to see him in the flesh and only an arm's length away from him. 

when he had been given the news, it didn’t register. it didn’t make sense to tommy then, and it didn’t make sense to him now, even after two years. 

it was a stretch to say that he had gotten over it. how could someone like tubbo be forgotten so easily?

tubbo was, all in all, the perfect person to be his brother. his  _ person.  _ tubbo was funny and witty, and he knew how to take a joke. he had a smile that could blind the sun and a caring side of him he rarely had the chance to show to others. he knew exactly how to make tommy smile and the memories they had together were priceless. 

it wasn’t fair that he had to leave tommy behind. it wasn’t fair that the only good thing he had was taken from him, nor the fact that he took any chance of tommy being happy again with him. 

what did tubbo do to deserve his life ending at barely fourteen? when he had dreams and goals and aspirations, and so much more of a chance at success than tommy? what gave tommy the right to be alive when tubbo could be his own man, grown in the future with kids and loved ones and all the opportunities he had lost because of a clumsy mistake?

the past two years had been lonely for tommy, but wilbur, techno, and philza had been helping him cope. they helped him see the bright side of things, distracted him when he needed them to, managed to flip tommy’s mood back into something energetic and loud that had been missed for the months following tubbo’s funeral. 

(he had never been able to force himself to go to the grave. tommy knew the moment he saw the words engraved onto a headstone, there was no coming back, and he’d die sooner than he would accept that the fact that tubbo was gone.) 

wilbur, techno, and philza had been the only people in tommy’s life outside of his parents that he had found to care for him genuinely and not toss him aside the moment they knew he wasn’t funny all the time. 

so why was it so easy for them to abandon him now?

what made it so simple for them to push him aside and pretend he never existed, to pretend that he had nothing to offer them when he had just wanted someone to love him as he loved them? 

everything good in his life was sabotaged by his own doing and there was no way to escape the inevitable truth that tommy just wasn’t someone people could love. he wasn’t someone his family loved, his friends couldn’t be bothered to stay for him after a week of radio silence during a pandemic, and tubbo, the only person who could help, was gone. he had nothing. 

as he stared up into the sky, eyes blurring so severely it was hard to tell apart leaves and the darkening blue, the familiar tune of jubilee line hit his ears. they echoed in his skull, dug their claws into his brain and implanted themselves into his mind as tommy pushed aside tears from his cheeks roughly. 

he sighed quietly, rubbing at his tear-stained face as tommy made his way down the tree at five-thirty pm, half an hour after he was supposed to be home there were no calls from his parents. tommy didn’t know why he bothered checking. 

as he clicked onto instagram once more, he was greeted with wilbur’s post, consisting of a selfie of him, techno and philza at his home. his chest twisted painfully at their smiles, and melodies echoed in his head as he made up his mind. 

swiping to the side, he opened up their abandoned chat, eyes still blurry as he typed into the app and sent off his last message before shutting the phone down, throwing it off to the side in the grass. he hoped a pickpocket would steal it to keep it far away from his family’s eyes. 

**tommyinnit**

_ hey guys _

_ dnno if you care enuff to respond but figured i should at least tell u thankf for being there for me when i needed u and for not abandoning me earlier on when u could. h mean the world to me and i wish things were different.  _

_ i wish we were still close. i wish u didnt feel the need to exclude me behind my back when it would be fine just sayign it. but it's alright now! its in the past. just remember i love u a lot.  _

_ i jusf miss tubbo so much more, even if u guys djdnt know him that well  _

the highways were crowded at night, as usual. the walk was awkward without music, but humming to himself provided to be a solid distraction, especially as the melody and guitar riffs of jubilee line had imprinted itself into his brain. tommy’s mind was numb and his feet were driven by autopilot as he made his way to the bridge above the highway. 

the railings were small, he found. small and easy to climb over. 

tommy’s feet swung over the edge as another wave of ice made its way through him, touching him from the top of his head to his arms, stomach, knees, then toes. he breathed in deeply, breathing out to let smoke appear from his lips.

the headlights of the cars at the bottom of the bridge were intoxicating to look at, despite how dull they would seem to the average individual. the knowledge that every single one of those lights represented at least one person was something tommy couldn’t forget even if he tried. 

as he threw himself off the bridge and let himself fall backwards into racing cars, tommy found himself wishing if he could know if his friends ever truly cared about him the way he did for them. 

it wasn’t new to be the group’s therapist, nor was he foreign to the concept of emotional support, but sometimes it felt like his only purpose was to be happy and excited as to bring up the mood. tommy could count on one hand how many times he had taken a moment for himself to share a problem only to be shut down almost immediately. 

he didn’t think it was on purpose. he knew wilbur had a bad home life and techno was dealing with old friends he wished he never met and philza was helping both of them, but he couldn’t help but feel bitter. was tommy just… not worth anyone’s time at all?

in the end, he never found out. car horns echo guitar strings as pain turned to black and tears turned to bliss. 

**Author's Note:**

> yeah, this is very much a vent fic haha. obviously i’m not suggesting this thought process to anyone but i did just need to get it off my chest since i’m sick of crying over random tiktoks i see and people asking for tubbo’s to their tommy’s :] 
> 
> thanks for reading, hope ur doing okay. love u guys <3 take the time to talk to someone if u ever feel low or down in general


End file.
